You know what not to say...here's what you can say instead: Introducing SEL Scripts

Narwhals & Waterfalls

9 hours ago

4 min read

The window lasts a few seconds. My kid, a student, or a friend does something I need to address. I take a breath, open my mouth, and all I can think of is what NOT to say. The default phrases we all reach for. The ones from my own childhood that still haunt me.

Knowing what not to say is a great start. But then what? Thankfully, therapists, SEL experts, teachers, and parents are sharing what TO say in these brief but deeply consequential moments. We call them SEL Scripts.

Name it, stay with them, take the next step

Each script has four parts: Instead of (the words to leave behind), Try (what to say), The Big Idea (the lesson underneath), and In Real Life (how we've seen it play out).

Most of these aren't ours. They come from conversations, courses, research, and good old trial and error. We've tried every one, and we credit sources wherever we can.

1. "I'm right here."

Instead of: "Calm down."

Try: "I see you're really upset. I'm right here when you're ready."

The Big Idea: Name it to tame it. Calm comes from connection first, then skills.

In Real Life: My early attempts at this were more error than trial. It took me a long time to internalize that often, undesired behavior isn’t defiance: it’s a skills gap.

"Calm down" asks for a skill kids can't reach mid-meltdown, when the thinking brain isn’t behind the wheel (Upworthy). Naming the feeling helps instead. Psychiatrist Dan Siegel calls it "name it to tame it," and research on putting feelings into words shows it quiets the brain's alarm center (Psychology Today).

2. "How can you make it right?"

Instead of: "Say sorry. Right now."

Try: ***After emotions have settled*** "Let’s see if they’re ok. How can you help make it right?"

The Big Idea: Repair, not performance. Kids learn to own their actions by fixing what they can.

In Real Life: Before my son was born, I asked some parents I admire for advice. One of them said bluntly “You’re gonna screw up. Accept that and get good at repairing.”

A forced "sorry" isn’t that. Psychologist Lisa Damour notes kids tend to hear it as punishment, not a way to reconnect (Today's Mama). Even a sincere apology can fall short of “making it right". But the smallest action - returning the toy, offering (but not forcing) a hug, asking if they’re ok - opens the door to real repair.

3. "A choice to… is a choice to…"

Instead of: "Don't you dare throw that toy!"

Try: "A choice to throw the toy is a choice for it to go away."

The Big Idea: Connected consequences. Your choice, your result.

In Real Life: This is about the framing, not the specific wording. I've used a version of this with my kid when he was 3 ("If you throw the toy, it's going away for today") and another in a difficult conversation with a grown up ("If we can't speak to each other with respect, I'm gonna step out. We can talk in the morning").

All of these scripts require judgment, but this one is a doozy. I have to:

1) Offer them an actual choice, 2) Include a reasonable time limit, and, 3) Think of a connected, natural consequence.

The first part requires some trust. I had to give the toy back to my son, and trust that he understood me and wasn't just nodding so I'd go away.

For part two, there are times when 5 minutes is enough. A child waving a wet paintbrush out of pure enthusiasm isn't the same as a child drawing on the walls with a marker for the third day in a row. This isn't necessarily a punishment. It's creating a window for emotional regulation. Sometimes for you AND the other person.

But you must state the time limit and stick with it. "If you throw it, it's going away" is draconian to a kid. When I'm struggling to regulate myself, I'll say "It's going away until we learn to play with it the right way", but even then I try my best to circle back and give a specific time once I've grounded myself.

My biggest personal challenge is part three: keeping the consequence connected to the action. With my kid, we say "a choice to leave the table is a choice to leave the conversation." First, that means making sure the conversation is worth sticking around for. If my wife and I are talking over his head, of course he wants to leave. In the beginning, we also allowed him to experience what “leaving the conversation” meant, and warmly welcomed him back when he realized he still wanted our attention.

Next, making this fair and effective meant providing genuinely fun alternatives when he still chose to leave. A stack of books nearby. A few puzzles by the living room coffee table. Or better yet, a space with various activities, like a Calming Corner, if he (like so many of us) really just needed a break.

Here is our shopping list of potential Calming Corner resources. And our full Calming Corner packet with mood meters, yoga cards, a feelings journal, and more are available as part of SEL Core.

Again, it's not a punishment. It's an intro to the paradox of choice: there are "consequences" no matter what you choose.

You don't have to get it perfect. We sure don't!

But these SEL Scripts created new space in my relationship with my kiddos and I hope they do the same for you! Keep a look out for more posts in this series as we continue collecting and sharing these tidbits.

Got a script that's saved you? Share it with us, and we'll pass it on (with credit).